You say you've seen a UFO? Big deal, so has everybody else who's younger than the Wright Brothers. Everyone, at one time or another, has seen something in the sky that could not be identified.

You say we have been, and are being, visited by extra-terrestrial aliens? Now that's something else entirely. I don't think you're crazy, at least not so far. All I ask is:

You say you've been personally abducted, taken aboard their ship, poked, prodded and otherwise had your day (or night) ruined by these tactless visitors from Outland?

In the meantime, give me a break! Stop! Catch your breath, go to work, feed the cat, just spare the rest of us this load of humus you've been spreading everywhere you go, at least for a little while!

One of the oldest tricks in the advertising business is to appear to make a claim without really making one. This saves you from lots of lawsuits, since, if you never made a claim in the first place, you couldn't have made a false claim, could you?

The easiest (and most devious) way to do this is when, if you have something that is unproved and unprovable, act as though it had already been proven. A brilliant lie, and those who don't look too closely will never catch it.

"It's the "number-one" (product) in America!" They've been doing this one to you for years. What does that mean? Number-one selling? Number one in popularity? Best in its field? They didn't say, so when you take them to court, what do you accuse them of?

This one from a few years back: "Of the best-tasting gums, Trident is sugarless." Which are the best-tasting gums? As defined by whom? If you could get it defined objectively, how would you know where Trident stood?

Take three steps back to gaze at it, and it's a beautiful thing. But then you also see Art Bell, the middle-of-the-night host of a nationwide radio forum for those who believe in anything from alien abductions, to out-of-body experiences, to foresight of a technological holocaust when the clocks clicked over to Y2K. (Oh yeah, that last one happened, I'm still reeling from it.) It's just that Art Bell, a former police dispatcher, lets this go on because the money is so sweet. He's old enough and smart to know better, but he doesn't care. He's eating pretty well these days. Much better living than shouting out "One Adam 12," eh, Art?

Look, everybody's entitled to an opinion. I might think theirs idiotic, and when I do, they almost certainly think mine idiotic. No problem. I don't know if they're right or wrong about space aliens, though I do think it's a little silly for a highly advanced race to voyage 4 point 3, or 8, or a thousand light-years to come here and act like a bunch of drunken teenagers. Even the late Rod Serling had a carnivorous alien addressing the United Nations, before we found out that their handbook "To Serve Man" was full of recipes.

Hell, in absolute terms, I'm probably easier to please than professional skeptic James Randi. He insists on laboratory-verifiable evidence. I would be satisfied in my own mind with an incontrovertible explanation. One based on this: extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Not apocryphal evidence, not hearsay evidence, not anecdotal evidence. Today, not even photographic evidence: that whole Area 51 "alien autopsy" was phony; we know that now.

But if you've been kidnapped, mention my name in care of this website. They won't have to torture Bob Brandon or Todd Edwards much to make them give up my home address. (Trust me on this one.)

If you do this for me, when the Conquering Race arrives to take over this puny planet, your name will be put on a preferred list, and no harm will come to you.

Give my best to Elvis, and hey, have a Nice Day.