Comments
by Java Mann
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Coming
Out
I met a young guy this week,
and as I find myself thinking about him, he must have made an impression
on me. He’s 32, the father of a two-year-old daughter, and finally coming
to the conclusion he might be gay. In his own words, he’s not sure.
It’s rather difficult for
me to understand his uncertainty. I knew I was gay before I knew what gay
meant. |
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I was firmly entrenched in
the closet for a good fifteen years, doing what I thought was necessary
to avoid giving away a rather painful secret. After high school I came
out to a few close friends, and as I got older and made new friends I never
pretended to be anything other than who I am. I never came out to my parents,
as it would serve no real purpose, though I suspect they knew all along.
What this guy has gone through
however, must be exponentially harder than what I did. I took a girl to
the prom, he married one. For fifteen years, I acquiesced to society’s
norms when they went against my own desires. He is, to a degree, still
doing this. The concept of a closet case is not new to me. In my hometown,
the popular joke is that all the gay men are married and have children.
I just assumed this was a reference to older guys. It just boggles my mind
that in this day and age, a mature guy of my own generation could have
such a difficult time coming out.
There is of course, the possibility
that he’s bisexual. He has married and fathered a child, so unless there
was a new star shining over Manchester two years ago, we must assume he
has had sex with a woman. But even if he is bisexual, there are still issues
he will have to face. In both the straight and gay communities, there is
an (incorrect) assumption that if you’ve had sex with a member of your
own gender you are gay, and that the label "bisexual" is just a cover.
This, however is a topic for another column.
I will concede at this point,
gentle readers, that my initial interests in him were not as altruistic
as I would have hoped. He is 32 and looks maybe 25, has beautiful eyes,
a killer smile and a very nice body. My initial interest was to scoop up
this honey and have my sordid way with him. Having met him and actually
talked with him I’ve grown to like him, and my latent paternal instincts
have kicked in. (Sigh…) Instead of the squalid relationship I had so hoped
for, I find myself acting as his surrogate big brother, protecting him
from the perils of the gay dating scene, and introducing him to the gay
lifestyle, or that which passes for it in this one Starbucks town.
He has proven to be an adept
pupil. He appears to have a certain innate fashion sense, and has quickly
mastered the "attitude", though the humor of AbFab is still
lost on him. He’s shown an intuitive ability to recognize and avoid sleaze
bags, though I have had to warn him away from a certain player who’s only
interested in him for conquest. He’s still hung up on stereotypes and labels
though, but I suspect this is a manifestation of his own insecurity.
As it stands, I don’t know
where this is going. It might be the beginning of a life long friendship,
or perhaps I will mentor him only for as long as he feels the need. All
I can hope is that I might somehow help him find happiness, and by doing
that I might also be helping myself. JM
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