Comments
by Java Mann
|
Coming
Out II
A column or two back I mentioned
I’d met a guy who was just coming out, and the fact that I’d taken on the
role as surrogate big brother to him. There have been a few changes on
this front and I suppose it’s time to bring you up to speed. Matt (not
his real name) had a relapse a week or so ago. Hs found himself a boyfriend
and then got cold feet. He announced he was moving back in with his girlfriend
and requested all contacts with the gay community be severed. |
 |
Fortunately he didn’t have
many contacts, and those of us he did have are forgiving. He wandered back
into the bar a few days later looking sheepish and a bit embarrassed. His
friends welcomed him back with open arms.
He took up with his boyfriend
again and on the few occasions I saw him, the two of them were at the "only
have eyes for you" stage, so I let them be, though I did watch them out
of the corner of my eye from time to time. They’ve been together about
two weeks, and young love is awfully cute.
Last night after closing
the bar I was walking home when a car I didn’t know approached me in the
parking lot. It was Matt, and he had returned to the bar looking for last
call, and (as I learned) some company. There is trouble in paradise.
The bartender is a friend
of mine so we got back in. Over a beer he explained the snag in the lace.
It seems that in private he and his friend had exchanged the title "boyfriend"
but earlier that night someone had asked if they were boyfriends.
Matt said yes, his friend said "No".
Matt is (in my opinion) at
a bad place. He’s new to the gay scene and doesn’t know the dynamics of
gay relationships and their varying degrees. Having spent his twenties
dating women, he missed out on the basic training one needs to survive.
Now at 32, he’s not interested in a one night stand, a fuck buddy or casual
sex. He’s looking for a long-term relationship with the right guy. He’s
looking for an emotional bond and thought he found it. Hearing the word
"No" hurt him.
He’s also still having trouble
finding his place in the community, and isn’t sure how he should act. In
our little circle a hug and a kiss is an informal greeting. People are
"honey" and "love", even if you don’t know their real name. Yes, the public
displays of affection are shallow, but not unpleasant.
His other trouble is that
he is an exceptionally attractive guy. He is often the center of attention
just by being there. He’s told me he doesn’t care for all the attention
and I can understand why. Attractive and naïve can be a deadly combination.
Since he doesn’t understand what is/is not acceptable behavior he hasn’t
set up limits, and he is frequently groped and fondled far more than he
likes.
Lastly, he presently finds
himself between jobs. His rent is paid, he has cash in the bank, but the
situation is uncomfortable. Guys he’s met at the bar have offered him jobs.
He’s been leery about accepting any, wisely so. I’ve advised against taking
a job offered at a bar by someone you don’t know. There are treacherous
people about. To this end, I’ve also warned him against drinking to excess
and using recreational drugs.
At this point I feel the
need to point out he is not an idiot. I wouldn’t have anything to do with
him if he were. He’s just a nice guy in a bad situation. I’ve concluded
that he and I will never be anything more than friends and I think were
both cool with that. As a friend I’ve acted as a sounding board and give
advise as I see necessary, and opinions when requested. As I said before
I’m getting something out of this. I’m still not certain what it is, but
it doesn’t really matter.
Details as they develop.
JM
|
