Homo Erectus
By
Java Mann


While listening to NPR, I heard a curious news story. Basically they were searching to find a patron saint for the Internet. Of course this begs the questions: Who are They? And isn't there something more important They could be doing? Well, as any good catholic schoolboy knows there are Patron Saints for everything. St. Lydwina of Schiedam is the patron saint of Ice-skating. Lost your keys, ask St. Zita for assistance. Terrified of the mice in your basement? A prayer to St. Gertrude of Nivelles will calm your fears. And we could surely not forget St. Dymphna, the patron saint of sleepwalkers. 
So why not a patron saint for the Internet? Someone with a direct line to the big guy upstairs and who actually understands your trouble could come in handy when your ISP is acting up or your E-mail box is filled with Spam. 
I'm sure They, whoever they are, will choose wisely. I'm also fairly sure they won't choose St. Sebastian, and with good reason. St. Sebastian (AKA the holy pincushion) was killed by a roman firing squad (bows and arrows) for being a Christian. A good image of him can be seen in (required pop culture reference) REM's video for Losing My Religion, which is in my humble opinion, is one of the best songs ever recorded. But I digress…
For reasons of their own, a group of gay priests had chosen St. Sebastian as the logo for their own web page. Now I have nothing against gay priests, but these guys are another story. These guys have set up a dating page for themselves. 

SWM (single white man of god) seeks same for long walks, casual dining and sensual massage. Must be able to entertain. Respond to this E-mail. Letters w/nude/semi-nude pics get 1st reply. 

The page was originally established as a means to allow gay clergy to communicate and share the troubles they face. This is a noble cause, and one I can respect, but then they started posting nude pictures of themselves, and a video clip of a guy masturbating. Hello!!!! What were these guys thinking? 
Of course this was discovered, and the page was shut down. As a result careers are being threatened and lives will be ruined. Saints preserve us!  An investigation of everyone who posted to the page is underway. 
As I said, I have no problem with priests, gay or otherwise. I do, however, have a problem with stupidity, and this was very very stupid.