•    1.If you are over the age of 8 when you plan your wedding, it’s probably wise to keep away from cartoon characters for reception themes.   I was a bridesmaid in the most interesting wedding I’ve ever attended.  I was selected as a bridesmaid because I’ve known the bitch, I mean bride, longer than anyone else who can tolerate her.  So anyway, the reception theme was Winnie the Pooh.  I still have nightmares about the guillotined Pooh bears behind the cake.   Picture this if you will: behind the cake table is a white lattice backdrop.  Sticking through the holes of the backdrop are about 50 Winnie the Pooh beanbag dolls.  From the side, it appeared as if they had all been guillotined.  It was unbelievable.  They also had two Pooh bears dressed up as a bride and groom, sitting on the cake table.  No, these people did not have small children.  They were 22 and 20, getting married for the first time. 

•    2.The wedding dress should weigh less than the bride.    This one is fairly self-explanatory.  If you are 5’2”, 104 lbs, there is no need to wear a dress with a huge-ass crinoline-lined full skirt (probably 4’ in diameter) and 30 3-inch 3D satin roses stuck all over it.  And a 12’ train, too.  We were fairly surprised she could walk in the damned thing. 

   3.If you’ve been dating someone for a week when you get invited to his ex’s wedding, be afraid…be very afraid.  At first, it might sound a bit sweet: your new boyfriend has invited you to his ex-girlfriend’s wedding, in his hometown, several hours from the city you live in.  It’s kinda nice that they have remained “good friends” for the two years since they broke up.  Then it occurs to you that they’re maybe a bit too close, and perhaps he’s “sweet”er than you’d like.  After another month together, and posing in a few family photos, it becomes obvious that maybe he just wanted evidence that he was dating a girl. 

   4.Unless you’re particularly tough or lonely, don’t go to a wedding alone. 

“So sweetie, when will it be your turn?” 
“Don’t worry honey, soon you’ll meet your Mr. Right.” 
“I was so sure it was going to work out between you and that nice guy we met last year.  What happened?  You weren’t mean to him, were you?” 
“How many have you thrown away since I last met you?” 
For the weaker of us, bring a date, even if you have to buy one.  If you’re a woman (or man) training to be a changer, however, do a couple shots of tequila, and conquer the family of the bride and your old friends from high school.  You’ll be all the stronger for it.