And I’m Going Through Changes

When we began our relationship together neither Summer nor I knew what to expect. It happened all of a sudden. Our first night together found us talking until the early morning hours about everything. It was a perfect night. The next night was perfect as well and we slept together for the first time.

From that moment we were caught in a whirlwind in which neither of us knew when the winds would slow or stop. It was a whirlwind with no rules and no limits and it has been the single most eye-opening experience in my life.

But as all things must change so must our relationship. We both can see the changes coming but we don’t know yet what those changes will be or what effects they may have. As much as I would like to know I am glad that I am not burdened with that foresight and that I can live in it and experience it for all that it is worth.

For me it is appropriate that these changes come now as winter is approaching. All of my relationships have begun in the winter season and most of them have ended that same season. I am a winter person and though I hate the cold I seem to thrive in it. So with almost a year under our belts and the time we began approaching, it seems only right that things precede their course and that changes occur now. Not that these changes will spell an end to us as a "couple" necessarily, but things will change.

I am sad but not broken. Many months ago, before spring, we had similar problems and I was not in as good a shape. It would not have been unheard of if someone had seen me walking in the cold with tears in my eyes. Perhaps, like then, this is only an episode in our drama that will correct itself. Whatever is to come is the way it must be.

We talked last night about the issues that are before us, and the possible results. At first I was upset and angry. Change never considers our feelings. We also talked about how we had been through similar times and how that played out. We both admitted we were afraid but in that fear is an element of the surprise, which as it often does, produces some excitement too. I walked home, again in the cold, but without tears.

I had much to think about. Thoughts of all the things we had ever professed from the beginning surfaced. To begin with, she knew that I did not like marriage, that I found the institution exactly that, an institution, and did not want to get married. She also does not like marriage, having been married before. So we held no delusions that we would get married. We both also accepted that nothing lasts forever and that all things must change or die. Throughout our conversation last night I found myself growing calmer inside. My walk calmed me still. 

To be upset with her or angry and resentful would mean that I regretted the time I put into our relationship due to its outcome. But given the chance to do it all over again, I would make the same choices, put in the same amount of time and do everything that I did before and still plan to continue. I have no regrets or resentments about our life together or the movements it is making into the next phase. 

Maybe this is because I know that even if things change drastically and that we no longer function as a "couple," sharing almost all of our time together, sleeping together and being seen as an item, I have lost nothing. In Summer I gained more than a lover. I found my best friend, the one person in this world I can be myself with and share all my feelings with, all the time knowing that she will not turn them against me for her own gain. I indeed found my partner in crime that I wrote about recently and I am more ready to fill that role than I ever have been. Partners are not always lovers and lovers are not always partners.

Before we met I was very insecure, shy and unenlightened into the way a woman’s mind works. Though she will not take credit for it, Summer has helped me become the person I am today. She has encouraged me to live out my dreams, even if those dreams take me away from her. She embraces change and accepts it better than I do but I am learning from her. She is a great teacher.

I would never have gotten the courage to write this column and share my work without her. No matter how our relationship grows from here I always want her to know how important she has been in my life and how wonderful she really is. Perhaps that is the biggest reason that I have no regrets, because she is so wonderful and I simply love her too much to allow anything to become between us. That bond is stronger than anything I have ever known and the absence of even sex cannot mar its image. I would never have believed that because I always felt sex was so strong a force in a relationship but I find that it is not and matters very little between two soul mates. I mention soul mates not in the way that two halves meet and become whole forever, but in a way in which two wholes meet and sense a kinship; know that they are from the same species and cut of wood and choose to spend their time together for as long as it lasts.

So that is where I stand now folks, at a crossroads much like the one outside of my apartment. Perhaps it is symbolic that I choose this place so many months ago. There is a sadness because I know that I will not share every moment with her, but then again we always chose to keep parts of ourselves separate anyway. Anything is possible. Perhaps we will find ourselves laughing at the way we thought things were going to go, with no changes really happening. Perhaps it will be years down the road and we will begin anew. Then again we may change forever and never come back to this phase again. Whatever the Gods will. No matter, though, if I must walk on separately, I know that I will not be alone and nor will she. We will be friends forever. We have always known that above all. 

So to my soul mate, Summer, may we enjoy all that this phase of our life will allow and when it changes may we enjoy that as well. I love you.

The_ Satyr

P.S.- I mentioned how much she has encouraged me in my writing and because of that I would like to make public what I have told her in private. If anything ever happens to me, no matter when, I want her to have all the rights to anything that I have ever written. This goes for my diary down to the smallest scrape paper, published or unpublished. I feel that only she deserves this much for having always been supportive of my work and me. This may be the only way that I can ever repay her for what she has meant to me. I know that even if my work eventually produces a huge monetary gain, it will never be quite enough to repay her. But then again, how do you repay someone for giving yourself back to yourself?